I thought I hit rock bottom, but I can't seem to stop falling.

Well, things just seem to be getting more and more horrible. Aaron and I lost our place to live, our jobs because of nowhere to live, phones, car, everything.

We were living with his friend he went to school with her fiance at the time, now husband. Well Her husbands best friend owns two houses next door to each other, and let them live there for free for six months. Well, Aaron and I needed a place, so they asked the owner, and she said we could stay. Well, they wanted 200 a month for rent, even though they didn't have to pay anything. Well, regardless of how I felt, I paid it the first month. They ended up using it on an iPhone. I was pretty upset, but didn't want to say anything to prevent any arguments. Well, the owner has just given us her car since she bought a new one. She said we could make payments, whatever. Well, Aarons friend asked if we were mad at them since we were gone a lot. I told her we just left a lot to prevent arguing. I told her nicely I disagreed with her getting a phone with the money I gave for rent. I said it would be a lot smarter to just pay the OWNER of the houses the rent money. She and her husband got pissed, ran to their bff, the owner, and then BAM, just like that, since everyone argued and disagreed, she made us leave THAT night, and took the car away, and they froze our phone lines. (They had us on their AT&T family plan.)

I didn't do anything to deserve to be put out without a place to live, and neither did Aaron.
I had been working almost a month, he was just about to start his job the day after we were forced to leave.

And on top of all this, Aaron is very sick. He was supposed to go to his urologist the next day to get scope test done on his to see what they could find. Prostate problems are no joke when you're only in your twenties.

Let's see, what else is going great in my life...
OH! Our old neighbor owed us 150 dollars, but got put off unemployment, and said she would pay us when she got it back..well, she deleted and blocked me off of facebook, so now I know she's trying to avoid me.
OH! And my ex told me everything was going to be okay, his grandmother passed and he got a bunch of money, he was getting an apartment and was going to let us live with him for a month or two, enough time to get jobs and earn a couple checks to get our own place.
He also deleted and blocked me and is ignoring me as well, obviously.

What in the hell is wrong with people? I do nothing but give and give and fucking give. And all anybody does is fuck me over in the worst possible way! I am TOO nice for this shit. I do anything I can for people, it's so ridiculous!
Yeah, I fuck up, I make mistakes, but nothing to deserve what's happening right now.

Oh, another thing I can vent about. My real mom, who gave me up, and has been in prison damn near her whole life for theft, drugs, and prostitution..just got out a few months ago. Well, my little cousins meds came missing and I got the blame. I didn't do it, so I simply said, hey, my real mom lives here, and felicia(my older cousin) both have drug pasts also, why not accuse them too?
Well, my real mom didn't like that, so..she decided to tell me whole family that I told her I'm doing meth. Funny right? I do meth and support my drug habit instead of sheltering my husband and I. Yeah, right! Come on now people, I've done bad shit, things I haven't told a soul, but really? I've grown up these past five years. I'm working on making my life better, not worse.

I just wish my own brother thought more of me that that, but apparently everything thinks the worst.
I just wish there was something I could do, but as of now, my life is at it's worst.

Woah.

Did I really just have that conversation? I was talking to a good friend of mine about how I've been feeling like I wasn't wanted by Aaron along with my family. He told me he doesn't think I should have married Aaron. He doesn't think Aaron is at the point in his life where he's ready for marriage.
I love Aaron, and I'm in love with him.
I just don't feel wanted by him these days.
This can't be what marriage does. I don't believe that.
I'm just scared.
I don't feel wanted and I'm afraid maybe he does not want to be married anymore and maybe is afraid to tell me. I don't know what to think.

I'm just really depressed about everything right not.
I don't feel good enough for my parents, and now my husband.
I feel like complete shit.

someone save me.

i'm struggling right now to not deal with this as i once would.
it's taking everything in me not to, and i don't know how long i can hold back.

I Do

Aaron proposed and I said yes!

I know I'm young, and I have my whole life ahead of me, but I truly believe it was meant to be spent with him, and only him. I see myself being with him for the rest of my life. I know it's real for so many reasons, and the main reason being because I'm not scared.

I've been against marriage my whole life due to all the fucked up ones i've been around my whole life. But Aarons changed that, just as I've changed him; Both in better ways.

We are perfect together, and will be together forever. And i really, truly, believe in us.

:D :D :D :D <3333333333

Say Wha'!?

Aaron and I have only been dating a month.

But its just, moving so quicky. And when i say quickly, i mean getting engaged. He told me he was in love with me last night. I dont know, everything feels so perfect. I have never clicked with any person the way i do with him. I really do believe we belong together, as cliche as it sounds.

I know im young, and i have my whole life ahead of me. But what if its meant to be spent with him?

I have a lot of thinking to do...

April fools day?

Who the fuck still does April Fools day? I'm pissed. Aaron though it would be funny for him to yell, like really yell at me, say a lot of shit, for too long, then say april fools, you know i wouldnt be like that to you, i love you.

No, i dont know. I thought Marcus would never do anything wrong to me, but he certainly almost broke my arm and choked me twice. People are never what they seem.

I dont deal with people yelling at me very well.

fuck april 1st.

fresh new start

Well, i moved to Loogootee Indiana about two weeks ago. I live with Aaron and his parents now. We just started dating and thats going pretty well so far. We've both been through a lot of shit and have so much in common its insane! Our familes are exactly alike, as are we. Its simply mind blowing! Im trying to find a job and shit, and get my ged and hopefully someday college. Aarons got a job and starts college in August. Its great. I really am confident in all of this. Its a new start to the extreme. I didnt plan on calling my mom, but I was convinced by Aaron and his mom i should probably just let her know im alright at least. I did, and it didnt go too well. Well, it didnt go "bad", it went normal. Just not on my part. It was upsetting. I called and she just said thanks for calling and bye. Aarons family adore me, and they love me, and i know i need to accept that. But its just not the same, i know i have to accept that also, but still. I dont know. Anyways, thats all for now. :)

I hate being such a nervous wreck 24/7. I hate being so fucking paranoid about everything. I mean i know i kind of have a right to be. Im two hours away from the only place ive ever lived in, and if something were to happen id be fucked. I know that hypothetically if something were to happen between Aaron and i, i could still live here, as awkward as that would probably be. But still, i dont know. He gets all offensive if im talking to a guy online or on the phone, yet he expects me to be perfectly okay with him staying the night with all his dude friends, and their girls, and even single girls. Yeah, yeah, yeah, ive let that happen before, and it didnt end well. I even remember me mentioning that and he said if i let him do something like that he wouldnt even want to date me. What the fuck? Ive never been good at this sort of thing. Like, i dont want to tell people what to do, because i dont want to seem bossy, or controlling.  But if i dont, they do whatever and then shit goes down. I dont know how to handle any situations the right way. I want to trust people, but everytime i trust someone, they take advantage of my trust so quicky. Its also very weird, because i havent been in a real relationship in a year, so it all feels kind of weird, but also incredible. Its just weird, sometimes hell talk to me and say things like "youre not going to find someone new and leave me are you?"  Im like, what the hell. Seriously? I dont know ANYONE here, if anyone should be worried it should be me, Youre the one who has lived here your whole life and have dated and fucked half the girls in this town, so how does that make any sense? Itd be different if he moved to indy with me, then thatd be understandable, but whetever. I just dont know how to react to the situation. I know i should probably talk to him? But i hate talking about my feelings, haha. I always fuck up and just spit my words out and they come out toally wrong and slaughtered. But i guess i will just have to try right? A lot of harm could be done, but oh well. I mean shit, we've only been dating for like two weeks, but i feel like ive known him my whole life. We have so much in common. Were like mirror versions of eachother, and same for our familes. Theyre exactly the same. I know im rambling about shit that doesnt even matter, but fuck it, its a blog right? Haha. I just dont really like to vent on people, and it feels so much easier to type it all out, its not like people really read this shit anyways. I never really saw myself to be one of those annoying jealous girls who would freak out over every little thing. I think i always get jealous over the same things any other girl would. Its just annoying when he freaks out if i call one of my guy frineds from back home, but he can have a girl call him and be all HEY GURL HEY GURL HOW ARE YOU HUN i dont talk like that to my dude friends, its a little too welcoming if you ask me, but i guess its whatever. Im going to have to deal with it and face it rather than post a fucking blog about it like a little bitch. Haha. I just dont want to lose him. Ive never had this strong of a connection with anyone ever met, rather than stephanie, but i dont plan on dating her anytime soon. Haha. I dont want to sound creepey since weve only been dating for 2 weeks, but i dont want to lose him, as anything. Its just like of verve wrecking. Everytime i start to like someone, shit always happens. Its like inevitable. Its a never ending cycle. We just happened so quickly, and i dont want us to end that way. I know i sound like a typical teenager but i dont really care.