Woah.

Did I really just have that conversation? I was talking to a good friend of mine about how I've been feeling like I wasn't wanted by Aaron along with my family. He told me he doesn't think I should have married Aaron. He doesn't think Aaron is at the point in his life where he's ready for marriage.
I love Aaron, and I'm in love with him.
I just don't feel wanted by him these days.
This can't be what marriage does. I don't believe that.
I'm just scared.
I don't feel wanted and I'm afraid maybe he does not want to be married anymore and maybe is afraid to tell me. I don't know what to think.

I'm just really depressed about everything right not.
I don't feel good enough for my parents, and now my husband.
I feel like complete shit.

someone save me.

i'm struggling right now to not deal with this as i once would.
it's taking everything in me not to, and i don't know how long i can hold back.

I Do

Aaron proposed and I said yes!

I know I'm young, and I have my whole life ahead of me, but I truly believe it was meant to be spent with him, and only him. I see myself being with him for the rest of my life. I know it's real for so many reasons, and the main reason being because I'm not scared.

I've been against marriage my whole life due to all the fucked up ones i've been around my whole life. But Aarons changed that, just as I've changed him; Both in better ways.

We are perfect together, and will be together forever. And i really, truly, believe in us.

:D :D :D :D <3333333333

Say Wha'!?

Aaron and I have only been dating a month.

But its just, moving so quicky. And when i say quickly, i mean getting engaged. He told me he was in love with me last night. I dont know, everything feels so perfect. I have never clicked with any person the way i do with him. I really do believe we belong together, as cliche as it sounds.

I know im young, and i have my whole life ahead of me. But what if its meant to be spent with him?

I have a lot of thinking to do...

April fools day?

Who the fuck still does April Fools day? I'm pissed. Aaron though it would be funny for him to yell, like really yell at me, say a lot of shit, for too long, then say april fools, you know i wouldnt be like that to you, i love you.

No, i dont know. I thought Marcus would never do anything wrong to me, but he certainly almost broke my arm and choked me twice. People are never what they seem.

I dont deal with people yelling at me very well.

fuck april 1st.

fresh new start

Well, i moved to Loogootee Indiana about two weeks ago. I live with Aaron and his parents now. We just started dating and thats going pretty well so far. We've both been through a lot of shit and have so much in common its insane! Our familes are exactly alike, as are we. Its simply mind blowing! Im trying to find a job and shit, and get my ged and hopefully someday college. Aarons got a job and starts college in August. Its great. I really am confident in all of this. Its a new start to the extreme. I didnt plan on calling my mom, but I was convinced by Aaron and his mom i should probably just let her know im alright at least. I did, and it didnt go too well. Well, it didnt go "bad", it went normal. Just not on my part. It was upsetting. I called and she just said thanks for calling and bye. Aarons family adore me, and they love me, and i know i need to accept that. But its just not the same, i know i have to accept that also, but still. I dont know. Anyways, thats all for now. :)

I hate being such a nervous wreck 24/7. I hate being so fucking paranoid about everything. I mean i know i kind of have a right to be. Im two hours away from the only place ive ever lived in, and if something were to happen id be fucked. I know that hypothetically if something were to happen between Aaron and i, i could still live here, as awkward as that would probably be. But still, i dont know. He gets all offensive if im talking to a guy online or on the phone, yet he expects me to be perfectly okay with him staying the night with all his dude friends, and their girls, and even single girls. Yeah, yeah, yeah, ive let that happen before, and it didnt end well. I even remember me mentioning that and he said if i let him do something like that he wouldnt even want to date me. What the fuck? Ive never been good at this sort of thing. Like, i dont want to tell people what to do, because i dont want to seem bossy, or controlling.  But if i dont, they do whatever and then shit goes down. I dont know how to handle any situations the right way. I want to trust people, but everytime i trust someone, they take advantage of my trust so quicky. Its also very weird, because i havent been in a real relationship in a year, so it all feels kind of weird, but also incredible. Its just weird, sometimes hell talk to me and say things like "youre not going to find someone new and leave me are you?"  Im like, what the hell. Seriously? I dont know ANYONE here, if anyone should be worried it should be me, Youre the one who has lived here your whole life and have dated and fucked half the girls in this town, so how does that make any sense? Itd be different if he moved to indy with me, then thatd be understandable, but whetever. I just dont know how to react to the situation. I know i should probably talk to him? But i hate talking about my feelings, haha. I always fuck up and just spit my words out and they come out toally wrong and slaughtered. But i guess i will just have to try right? A lot of harm could be done, but oh well. I mean shit, we've only been dating for like two weeks, but i feel like ive known him my whole life. We have so much in common. Were like mirror versions of eachother, and same for our familes. Theyre exactly the same. I know im rambling about shit that doesnt even matter, but fuck it, its a blog right? Haha. I just dont really like to vent on people, and it feels so much easier to type it all out, its not like people really read this shit anyways. I never really saw myself to be one of those annoying jealous girls who would freak out over every little thing. I think i always get jealous over the same things any other girl would. Its just annoying when he freaks out if i call one of my guy frineds from back home, but he can have a girl call him and be all HEY GURL HEY GURL HOW ARE YOU HUN i dont talk like that to my dude friends, its a little too welcoming if you ask me, but i guess its whatever. Im going to have to deal with it and face it rather than post a fucking blog about it like a little bitch. Haha. I just dont want to lose him. Ive never had this strong of a connection with anyone ever met, rather than stephanie, but i dont plan on dating her anytime soon. Haha. I dont want to sound creepey since weve only been dating for 2 weeks, but i dont want to lose him, as anything. Its just like of verve wrecking. Everytime i start to like someone, shit always happens. Its like inevitable. Its a never ending cycle. We just happened so quickly, and i dont want us to end that way. I know i sound like a typical teenager but i dont really care.

LOOGOOTEE?

I'm not quite sure where Loogootee is, other than the fact it's close to Evansville. Which is about exactly three hours away from me. I'm moving there, unfortunatly, with my friend Aaron. I knew I'd be moving out soon, due to my parents, but I wasn't sure how soon. I've been wanting to, I just don't really have anywhere TO go. I was supposed to move in with scott. I gave him fucking 120 dollars for the down payment for an apartment over a month ago. He keeps procrasinating the date, so I gave up on him. My last option is 3 hours away. I'm terrified to move so far away from the only place ive ever known. But I guess i can't complain...

Sweet, sweet memories.

It's funny how the littlest things can bring back such memories. Wether it be a word, place, or even a smell. I read on a survery someone posted, the question was "Is it easier to forgive or forget?" I don't think either are possible. People say they forgive, but i know everytime theyre reminded, they realize they havent, and never, will let go. As far as forgetting? No one forgets. We may want to, but its impossible to forget. Everyday people are reminded of things they claim to have forgotten about. How unfortunate.

"WOAH WOAH WOAH, does this have to do with racism?"

So yesterday, my friend Low and I were cruising and what not. He was telling me a story about a time he had to spend a weekend in a cell due to speeding. Well, i was telling a story how i had to spend two hours in one (his being worse not only due to the time span but he's older and i was only in the juvie one, not actual jail) Anyways, i was telling my story, and it started with "Well, i was in the cell with two black chicks..." And he's mixed, although you cannot tell, and he was like "If this has any racism please exclude that part." I myself am not racist against African Americans, but people in general. When people say "racist" they assume it must mean you hate all black people.
Let me insert this little definition:


rac·ism
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(rszm)
n.
1. The belief that race accounts for differences in human character or ability and that a particular race is superior to others.
2. Discrimination or prejudice based on race.


I am racist, but not against one specific race, or religion. I must admit it's also rather annoying when people say "Oh, I'm not racist, i have a black friend!" I dated a black guy for 9 months, that does not mean i am not racist, so that does not help back up anyones argument at all whatsoever.
Most people that ARE racist against black people though, is simply because of not only their past, but how the majority of them act in this generation. Yes, a lot of african american teenagers are "ghetto", which is why, from what i know, most people in our generation dislike them. You can't judge an entire race just because a lot of them act one way that you dont agree with. Thats like when couples break up and girls say "all guys suck" when they havent met every single guy alive on this earth. Im getting off topic, but anyways.
This all came to mind because a "friend" of mine and i were talking and i said i had dated a black guy. He said he was racist and i kind of got angry. Then i was like, wow, i just assumed he hated all black people, when it isnt often the case for teenagers in this generation. He just hated ghetto people. Its already quite obvious racism isnt common with teenagers anymore as it once had been. Most of it is held within the adults. But anyways, Im not erally sure how to end this. I was actually just checking my email and felt like getting on here and randomly posted this pointless blog. But theyre all kind of pointless arent they?

The hunt continues...

So apparently i will be moving out this week/weekend. It's really frustrating how hard it is to come upon jobs right now. I'm so used to always having a job. And when i leave one, I'm always able to gain one within at least a week or two. But right now it's just damn near impossible! I mean, the kid I'm moving in with, doesnt mind i dont have a job as long as im trying, which i AM. I've applied literally everywhere a 17 year old person can work. Its just impossible right now. I hate not having a job or money. I'm on the waiting list to attend GED classes at Central Nine and i cannot wait. My sisters going to pay for it since my parents will not, for some weird weird reason. Welp, I'm off to build a Lego city with Stephanie and Fletcher! Laterrrrr.


So my day didnt go as planned, but still went well. I ended up going on a two hour drive with low to watch the sunset. Only the skies got all gray and cloudy so we didnt get to see the sunset. So that was a 4 hour trip semi wasted. It was still fun simply because i love driving around with friends. But anyways, tomorrow im going to continue my hunt for a damn job. laterrr!

WOW

So in august of last year, i dropped out of high school. It was before i started my junior year. I did not want to drop out at all whatsoever, and i believe my reasonings behind it were quite understandable. I had planned on getting my ged, going to Ive Tech community college, then maybe if i could, tramsfer to my dream college, Ball State University. Well, my parents are not very smart people, and insane at that. They refused to drive me to ged classes, but wont let me get my license untill im 18, leaving me no options at all. Well, i finally have transpertaion(my best friend said she would gladly take me to and from, on account of its only two nights a week), and now they arent willing to help me pay the starting fee of simply twenty dollars. They want me to join the national gaurd youth challenge. When i said no, they were angry and now want it to be court ordered. Which i find funny, because it doesnt start untill july, and i turn 18 in june. PLUS, its already a strictly voluntary prpgram. The only reason they want me to go there versus taking me to get my ged here, is because they dont want me living here. Which, i dont want to be here either, which is why im moving in with someone in two weeks when they get their apartment. Thats my excitment for the day.

go carol!

I'm soooo excited fot today. My friend austin that lives two hours away is coming to visit! We're going bowling and to see a movie; lol. I dont really care what we do though, haha im just so excited to see him! (:

TGIF!

I'm not really sure why i made this. I always make new web sites and never really use them but talk about how i will. Maybe this one will be different? I do enjoy typing over actually writing. We'll see how it goes! (: